Everything is gonna be alright

via The College Prepster

Kaixo,

I honestly don't know how to go about this post. I wish it were some fun outfit or some sassy commentary on the most trivial of topics, but today is different. Today I leave home to embark on another year at the University of Illinois. It should be a day to rejoice, and everybody around me looks excited about going to Champaign, but I cannot help it, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED. Last semester was one of the biggest, if not the biggest, test of my life. I had started to suffer from anxiety and I obsessively tried to stop it while not being able to understand why it was happening and why it was happening to me. I started failing in my academics, my work became sloppy. My relationships with people became inexistent or negative, and the most meaningful relationship I had consumed me. I fell into depression, I lost my capacity to focus for 5 minutes straight and I started to see everything in a very pessimistic light. I didn't have friends. My family was an ocean away. I wasn't in love. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't talk to people without becoming overly anxious. I tried to fight my feelings and fears, and it took a turn to the worse. I started hating my studies, my situation, my loneliness. I started feeling completely detached from the things I loved to do, and the worst thing was that I was conscious of all of it happening and I couldn't do anything to solve it. I couldn't value how lucky I was having a stable job, being in such an exciting place, going to such a wonderful university, having somebody by my side, having friends who would listen to me cry for hours, having the most supportive family, and it killed me to be so selfish, so ungrateful, so guilty.

Who knows how, I finished my MA, but I lost the person by my side. It hurt. It still hurts. I came home crying, looking for solace. I hated the US, I hated the University of Illinois and I hated every place and moment that reminded me of all my suffering. I let my family and friends console me, I allowed myself to have fun and went out. I had friends listen to me and tell me they had gone through the same thing. I took a break. I still take medication and have trouble leaving the house, my safe haven, to go outside. Many times I wish I could leave and go home and cry. I've had many sleepless nights. I'm still not myself.

But that doesn't mean I won't get better. It may mean that I won't be able to build trust in a while. It may mean that maybe this is not my place. Heck maybe I shouldn't even be doing a PhD. But no matter what, I know that it's not the end of the world. I don't have to put myself under such pressure. Grad school is not my life, grad school is my job. I can learn to fall back in love with the country I live in, the amazing school that I go to and remember the places and moments where and when I've felt hurt. I can learn to love the only person I'll be with my whole life, myself. I can explore different possibilities, fail the heck out of them and be alright with it. I can. I can take life day by day. I can hope for the best. I can take chances, and maybe I can succeed. But if I don't, it'll be okay. I'm starting a new year at U of I, and I'm scared. But no matter what, nothing is eternal, nothing is binding. And everything is gonna be alright.

Love,

- Ane